At Templar’s local County Court, you will find a certain DJ that has the uncanny ability to make Templar’s blood boil to inhuman-degrees-celsius. Templar likes to call this Judge ‘compass face’. compass face (no capital letters deserved) has been given this name because IT (he/she) resembles a compass, one of those lethal weapons that school children are encouraged to carry in their pencil-cases supposedly for ‘geometry’ purposes. We all know what these compasses really get up to. At your average comprehensive, they take an eye of an unsuspecting year 8 pupil as often as every 2 to 3 years. After which the compass goes quietly back into the pencil-case as though it were as innocent as the eraser beside it. The compass suffers not and continues to be accepted as a useful and necessary mathematical instruments.
Judge compass face has a similar function at Templar’s local County Court. Disguised as an independently minded DJ, compass face continually abuses ITS powers by appeasing the masses of chavs (the irresponsible on the facts kind) that come before IT. Templar has had the misfortune of being listed before compass face in no less than 5 possession hearings. Templar of course always representing the mortgage lender.
Each time Templar strolls into the County Court and reads that compass face will be hearing the possession application, Templar behaves like a proper tweenage adult. Wipes away tears of blood, takes a super-deep breath and makes an extra special effort to be extra specially nice to the chav in the waiting room (who usually is not waiting and typically walks in three minutes before being called in, smelling of fags, sweat and vodka). Templar endeavors to find out everything there is to no about the chav (and probably knows more about Ms Chav than her fourth husband). Templar does this in order to be able to give compass face lots of information about said chav’s financial and personal situation so that compass face might see that Templar is not a heartless-evil-corpse of a non-practicing barrister.
Once through the chambers door,Templar makes every effort to show compass face that Templar is considerate of the chavs ‘difficult situation’ by doing everything for the chav, save kissing their painted toe nail stiletto cladded feet. This ordinarily includes holding the door open for the chav, uber humble body language and showing them where to sit, all in plain site of compass face... who chooses to overlook Templar’s efforts and never fails to equal Templar’s efforts of kindness with ITS own efforts of evil and mischievous schemes of destruction.
It has to be said that compass face has a Jekyll and Hyde personality ... Its kindness to chavs is almost maternal. Templar is left watching in a daze as compass faces’ eyes soften and ITS voice becomes soothing as it pats the chav as chav cries.
compass faces’ behavior behind closed-chambers-doors is astounding. IT always does ITS best to make Templar look silly. Having decided that the chav before IT needs to fully understand the ins and outs of possession law, compass face turns ITS chisel like face towards Templar and barks “Mr/Mrs/Ms/Dr/Prof Templar QC, perhaps you can explain to Ms Chav....” compass face then sits back and stares just waiting for Templar to miss-state something or another. It never happens. And Templar continues to pray to the heavens that it never will.
My dear compass face, if you happen to be reading this post, then you should be deeply ashamed of yourself. . A fully grown DJ like yourself, reading through the posts of a neonate-barrister - repulsive pedophiliac behavior. Be gone!
What now?
1 day ago
3 comments:
OOO, sounds like bloody hard work to me!
And we want to take all this for a living, eh?!
What Larks - not!!!!
(PS: Word Captcha ' Mingum '! Lmao, I couldn't make it up if I tried !!! :) )
Templar
We all have difficult times at the hands of DJs and all have scars. But I'm looking at your rant and wondering about a few things.
One is quite how far the principle of equality of arms has sunk in - your oppo is in person, your client has paid for, if not counsel, then a legally trained advocate. The DJ is perhaps balancing - measuring equally to each side, as compasses do. Where the central point is depends on the weights involved.
The second thing I'm wondering is whether you have actually realised what a barrister's duty to the court is when against a litigant in person. Do have a look because this could get you into shedloads of trouble if you import your approach into being a practising barrister. Did you realise you actually have a duty to the unrepresented other side? Showing them where to sit is the very least of your duties...
The third thing is, if you end up in a common law civil set, your current oppo could be your future client. OK with that? Or rather, are you happy with representing that chav? Because if you aren't going to do all that you can on their behalf...
And the fourth is how far you've ingested the mortgage possession pre-action protocol (I know full well your clients haven't properly, but the DJ will have.)
I only ask because on the basis of this post - not fair, I know - I would be quite unlikely to instruct you in your potential future career, for the above reasons. And yes, I am a solicitor, specialising in Landlord & Tenant and property litigation. I've done a lot of County Court advocacy, as well.
Harsh? - it may sound so to you now, but it is meant kindly. Being driven up the wall by a DJ is simply part of the job. The trick is working out how to use that DJ's foibles to your client's benefit. And acting against a litigant in person, is a bloody nightmare, but you have a duty to the court in addition to your client.
Forgive me Nearly legal, for my almost-two-months-late reply. I plan to blog to explain my absence. In response to your comment, I have to apologise again. I’m sorry that I did not explain that my blog and in particular (thus far) this post is littered with hyperbole, satire, situational humour and even some fiction. My writing style has always been this way and I get immense pleasure from it. However you have made me re-think my approach to writing and I can only say that I should have been openly clear about my blog being less than uber-factual-accurate-reporting.
Templar aside, I am grateful for your comment and completely agree with everything you have said. I understand my role as an advocate and I assure you that I take it very seriously. You would find that I am in fact a very empathetic person who is known for dealing with litigants in person very well.
Be that as it may, Templar will continue to be Templar and Compass Face is still silly old Compass Face.
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